


Cowardice

by ObservationalObsessive



Category: The Greatest Showman (Movies)
Genre: Circus, F/M, Guilt, Hurt No Comfort, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Light Angst, Mutual Pining, Period-Typical Racism, Protective Siblings, Self-Hatred
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-01
Updated: 2018-01-01
Packaged: 2019-02-26 05:59:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,923
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13229487
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ObservationalObsessive/pseuds/ObservationalObsessive
Summary: Phillip knew he was never going to forget the fire in Anne’s eyes that night.-After the night of Jenny Lind's performance, Phillip doesn't know how to fix things with Anne. He talks it over with her brother, WD, and isn't encouraged.





	Cowardice

**Author's Note:**

> What is wrong with me? I have started five Greatest Showman fics since my first time seeing the movie, which was opening day. And I've only just finished one. Meanwhile, I have works still in progress that I really need to get back to...
> 
> Anyway, go ahead and read this and I hope you don't hate it!

Phillip knew he was never going to forget the fire in Anne’s eyes that night.

A part of him had wanted an opportunity to speak to her before their next show; to explain himself and take away the pain he knew he’d caused her. But what was there to say anyway? Even if he’d been given the chance, he had no excuse for it and he was completely aware of that.

Tears burned in his eyes as he looked down at the ring and nearly fell when she looked back at him. He could practically  _feel_ the anger and hurt radiating off of her and he hated himself for being the cause of it. It seemed he would never be able to do anything right.

Maybe if none of them had even gone to Jenny Lind’s performance it could’ve been all right. P.T. wouldn’t have sent them all to the standing room and Phillip wouldn’t have hurt Anne the way he had. His parents wouldn’t have seen them and there wouldn’t have been a problem.

But then maybe he wouldn’t have held her hand at all. And how could he blame his parents, really?  _Phillip_ was the one who’d been a coward and betrayed Anne in that moment and there was no one else to blame for it.

Looking down at them that night, he wondered if Anne was going to hate him from then on. Would she ever smile at him again? Was it too much to hope that their hands might touch again? Would he always be something vile and cruel in her mind after what he’d done?

He hoped not but the expression on her face wasn’t too encouraging. In the end, he couldn’t bear the thought of watching any longer and retreated to his cramped office to have a drink, thinking all the while of what a coward he was and always would be.

-

Phillip spent the night at his desk. It was due in part to how much he’d had to drink but had also been a perfectly conscious choice. If he went home, he was bound to see his parents and that was the last thing he wanted just then.

They would ask him questions and he wouldn’t know what to say. Or maybe they would speak poorly of Anne and Phillip was sure that he would hate himself no matter his reaction to that. If he didn’t defend her, he would see himself as even more of a coward. If he did, he would no doubt damage his relationship with his parents.

Neither option was appealing and so he opted to avoid the scenario altogether.

The sounds of hearty laughter woke him up. He sat up in his chair and groaned at the stiffness in his back and neck, rubbing the sleep from his eyes as he stood.

Lettie and the others were already up and practicing their acts. It was her laughter he’d heard and it brought a faint smile to his lips. He knew how P.T. had turned them all away the night before. It wasn’t only Anne who had been hurt.

Phillip didn’t think he would ever cease to be amazed at the strength they all held. If he’d been in any of their positions, he wouldn’t be able to laugh so sincerely if at all. Well, even as the one doing the hurting, look at how he’d taken it.

And yet, they laughed and proved not for the first time that they were stronger than he.

Changing his clothes and quickly washing his face and fixing his hair, Phillip decided he was in decent enough shape to go downstairs where everyone else was. Maybe he’d be able to talk to Anne. Even with now idea of what he’d say, he wanted to be around her just as much as before.

Of course, it was no surprise to him when she gave him the cold shoulder and walked away.

She’d been sitting with the others and while she hadn’t appeared to be laughing, there had been a smile on her face before she’d seen Phillip.

He nearly followed after her and his guilt ridden expression must’ve been on full display if the sympathetic looks he received where anything to go by. Before he’d even taken a full step forward, there was a hand on his arm.

“Let her go, Carlyle.” Lettie looked up at him, eyes full of pity and understanding. She let her hand fall away from his forearm. “She needs time.”

Phillip nodded and took a seat beside Lettie, resting his arms on his legs and staring down at his tightly clasped hands. He cleared his throat before speaking and didn’t look up. “I’m sorry about last night. I hadn’t known that Mr. Barnum didn’t want us there.”

“You say ‘us’ like you’re included in that,” Charles scoffed. “He wouldn’t have had anything to say about you being there by yourself.”

Phillip winced slightly and still kept his eyes down. It was true and he hated it. “Perhaps. But that’s not my point. My point is that I’m sorry and I want you all to know that.”

WD spoke up then, his tone indicating so much more than the few words he actually voiced. “You don’t need to be sorry to us.”

-

He didn’t speak to any of them very much over the next few days. Every now and then, he tried to catch Anne’s eye so he could go over and try to mend things between them. Anne, however, made a pointed effort to not look in his direction.

Sometimes he would get a slightly pitying look from someone else and he thought they may be sorry he was such a fool more than anything else. He didn’t like those looks.

His office and his flask became more and more appealing. Nothing else assisted him as much in his efforts to forget for a while. Phillip didn’t want to forget forever. If he could, he really wanted to make it better. But for that time, while it was only feeling worse, he didn’t want to think about it.

And so he stayed in his little office behind his desk and kept his flask full and on-hand at all times. He found himself reaching for it every time Anne pretended she didn’t see him.

One evening, less than a week after Miss Lind’s performance, Phillip was surprised by WD knocking on his half open office door.

He looked up with raised eyebrows and cleared his throat. “Uh, WD. Please, come in.” He tried for a moment to stand but found his head in a little too much pain and sunk back into his chair, gesturing at the only other one in the room.

WD gave him a polite smile and set the chair in front of Phillip’s desk before taking a seat, hands clasped together and elbows resting on the arms of the chair. He glanced around the small space. “You’ve been in here a while. We’ve hardly seen you today.”

Phillip quirked an eyebrow upward and hummed slightly in response. “Was I needed? Any of you could’ve asked for me.”

“Yes,” WD murmured. He watched Phillip intently enough to make the other man want to squirm uncomfortably. “It’s not that. I just… wondered if I could speak to you. What I want to say may be… forward and unwanted.”

That didn’t sound very promising and Phillip wasn’t sure he felt like hearing whatever it was but he nodded anyway.

“You see… I know my sister very well,” he began carefully, leaning forward slightly as he spoke. “I know that you hurt her deeply. She and I have spoken about it and now… now I’m speaking with you. Anne needs more room for now as she works through her feelings on her own. Eventually, she may come to forgive you. But I wouldn’t advise you to try anything again. It… it can’t ever be more than what it was, which wasn’t much at all. Pretending as if anything could happen would be foolish and you would only be hurting her so… be angry with me if you must but I am saying this to protect my sister. If something else were to happen -”

“WD, I appreciate your input here but it’s not as if Anne is the only one this hurts,” Phillip cut in, immediately wondering why he had. If he hadn’t been drinking, maybe he wouldn’t have said anything. He knew even then that he was being stupid again and didn’t  _really_ have any desire to argue.

WD’s face hardened a fraction. “Maybe not. But  _you_ , Mr. Carlyle, would be able to heal and move on. You could easily have any other girl and forget about the whole affair. It’s not like that for Anne.”

Then Phillip  _did_ almost want to argue because he knew he cared more about Anne than that. He could never just replace her and be fine. But that wasn’t the point of what WD was saying and he knew that. Fortunately, he managed to keep his mouth shut then. Instead, he nodded slowly.

“I’m only asking that you not make this any harder on Anne than it needs to be,” WD continued, his tone slightly cautious again. Phillip wondered if he thought he was going to be kicked out or some such nonsense. Of course he would never be. “And… if I may, Mr. Carlyle… I’m not so sure you’re dealing with this in the right way for yourself either.” He continued quickly just after he said it, not giving Phillip a chance to be offended. “I think the best thing for both you and my sister would be to move on entirely and focus on the circus. There’s always more work to be done, after all.”

Phillip frowned slightly, his forehead creasing. But he didn’t say anything. They two sat in an uncomfortable silence for a few moments before he thanked WD quietly for sharing his thoughts and the other man made his exit.

He stayed in his seat for a while after that, pondering WD’s words. How was he supposed to proceed? If Anne didn’t want to talk to him, there wasn’t very much he could do. Of course, if nothing else, WD was right about the circus. Phillip still had a job and needed to stop worrying over Anne if he wanted to get anything done.

But he wasn’t going to just give up like WD thought he should. No, he cared for Anne too much to respond that way. He would give her space like her brother had asked and he would redirect his focus to his work. Then, eventually, he would keep trying to fix it all. He hoped desperately that Anne would forgive him one day and, with any luck, soon.

Until he figured out a way to prove he cared about her, he’d just have to keep doing what he was doing and hope for a change. Some part of him protested in the back of his mind; told him he was a coward. Phillip didn’t think he could argue against it. He had no alternative plan and didn’t want to upset Anne further or make an enemy of WD. There was nothing he could do, which meant he had no arguments to use against the negative voice in his head.

And so he agreed instead.

“Then the coward’s way out it is,” he said; tone soft and flat, as he picked up his flask again.

**Author's Note:**

> I may continue this at some point because it feels like it's left hanging and it's not a happy ending... but at the same time, that was the intent because there's obviously more to their story since this would take place in the middle of the film. *shrugs* So I don't know. I also have numerous unfinished Greatest Showman fics that I still want to post so if I do add to this... it wouldn't be soon, I guess.
> 
> Obviously this doesn't fit into the narrative perfectly and it's kinda... gloomy, I guess? But it's fanfiction and... well, I guess I'm taking creative liberties. Anyhow, like I said before, I hope you don't hate it. I'm not sure yet if I do or not but I wanted to post one of my Greatest Showman fics and this was the first one I finished. *shrugs again*


End file.
